Friday, May 3, 2013

Our would-be baby


We lost our babe a year ago —
Our 9.5-week miracle.
Just when I think my heart has healed,
Strings in my gut — they pull.

A blood clot here, some cramping there.
“It’s normal,” they did say.
But in my heart, I knew it well —
That second day of May.

I climbed in bed, where doom did lie.
I tried to sleep it off.
But I knew deep down, this was the end,
Our baby’s growth had stopped.

In that lonesome, restless night,
Bold words filled my mind.
A blessing I got, two weeks before.
It made sense — I did find.

Atonement: you will come to know
Deeper than you do now.”
“Of course,” I thought, “The Lord — he knew!”
On my knees, then, did I bow.

I knew the moment I’d stand up,
Gravity would take its toll.
Signs of miscarriage would stain my pants.
That blood … how it would roll.

And sure enough, at 6 a.m.,
I got the courage to stand.
And right on cue, our lives did change.
The pain, by no means, bland.

My dear Jake leapt from the bed.
To my rescue, he did come.
Cleaned me up and got me dressed.
(Where did this boy hail from?)

Tears in our eyes, fear in our hearts.
The hospital we did go.
Doc said, “Maybe not — lets double check.”
In reality, truth bestowed.

Twelve months have passed and still no babe.
When will this trial end?
Just when I think I’ve overcome —
I’m barely on the mend.

The Lord was right. I have learned —
Plenty about His Son.
I’ll be frank — it’s not been fun.

Highs and lows, trust fluctuates …
Not perfect, still in pain.
Is he disappointed — did I fail my test?
Was this trial all in vain?

I hope, in time, I can see more light —
The plan He has in store.
But I can’t deny, I know his plan
These trials, these tests — there’ll be more.

For I agreed in the pre-earth life,
To receive a body, and such.
Hardships and loss I knew would come,
In quantity, though, how much?

Our dreams were dammed, our plans, they changed —
My mind … oh how it churned.
That day so real, that pain so strong.
In my memory it is burned.

In my sweats with eyes swollen red,
I relive the memory today.
With high hopes that years from now,
I’ll understand that third day of May.


*On a lighter note, "Parks and Recreation" nailed it. 

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