Friday, May 3, 2013

Our would-be baby

We lost our babe a year ago —
Our 9.5-week miracle.
Just when I think my heart has healed,
Strings in my gut — they pull.

A blood clot here, some cramping there.
“It’s normal,” they did say.
But in my heart, I knew it well —
That second day of May.

I climbed in bed, where doom did lie.
I tried to sleep it off.
But I knew deep down, this was the end,
Our baby’s growth had stopped.

In that lonesome, restless night,
Bold words filled my mind.
A blessing I got, two weeks before.
It made sense — I did find.

Atonement: you will come to know
Deeper than you do now.”
“Of course,” I thought, “The Lord — he knew!”
On my knees, then, did I bow.

I knew the moment I’d stand up,
Gravity would take its toll.
Signs of miscarriage would stain my pants.
That blood … how it would roll.

And sure enough, at 6 a.m.,
I got the courage to stand.
And right on cue, our lives did change.
The pain, by no means, bland.

My dear Jake leapt from the bed.
To my rescue, he did come.
Cleaned me up and got me dressed.
(Where did this boy hail from?)

Tears in our eyes, fear in our hearts.
The hospital we did go.
Doc said, “Maybe not — lets double check.”
In reality, truth bestowed.

Twelve months have passed and still no babe.
When will this trial end?
Just when I think I’ve overcome —
I’m barely on the mend.

The Lord was right. I have learned —
Plenty about His Son.
I’ll be frank — it’s not been fun.

Highs and lows, trust fluctuates …
Not perfect, still in pain.
Is he disappointed — did I fail my test?
Was this trial all in vain?

I hope, in time, I can see more light —
The plan He has in store.
But I can’t deny, I know his plan
These trials, these tests — there’ll be more.

For I agreed in the pre-earth life,
To receive a body, and such.
Hardships and loss I knew would come,
In quantity, though, how much?

Our dreams were dammed, our plans, they changed —
My mind … oh how it churned.
That day so real, that pain so strong.
In my memory it is burned.

In my sweats with eyes swollen red,
I relive the memory today.
With high hopes that years from now,
I’ll understand that third day of May.

*On a lighter note, "Parks and Recreation" nailed it. 


  1. I am so sorry for your loss. Check out this blog. Lots of stories about the same experiences...

  2. Very beautifully written. Praying for you and Jake. Love you.

  3. i am in awe of your ability to articulate your emotions. one of the most beautifully written things i have ever read. we went through two years of roller coasters trying to get pregnant with brennan. it was actually during the time sean was serving in the bishopric where we met you:) i have always been so thankfully to heavenly father for sean's calling into that single's ward b/c it was so painful to go to church every week to our married ward before and see all of the other women who were getting pregnant so easily, blessing their babies in sacrament. it was a gift, to be able to serve in the single's ward for me during that time. for me, writing is such a therapeutic process. it allows me to live life twice, experience through another view of clarity. sometimes so painful it takes me years to face it. but i'm always humbled by how it helps me to clear my thoughts and move through whatever i am facing. once brennan came he screamed almost every minute of every day, and i remember i was so deeply depressed. post pardom to be exact. and i just kept thinking, really? but i will say one thing, after all of that waiting for him, it made me savor all of it that much more. and i've been able to relate to people on a level that i would have never related had we not gone through that trial. remembering all of those emotions of up and down each month. i never experienced a miscarriage, but each month i felt the emptiness of nothing. and for me that was so painful. and then everything changed. and it all seems so intentional in the lord's plan for us. i LOVE what you wrote.

  4. I just came upon your blog this morning, and I'm so sorry for your hurt. I lost my daughter to miscarriage in 2011, and The Lord gave me a beautiful vision of my baby in heaven- I've found it to be such an encouragement of His plan and goodness even when life is hard and hurts, and I thought I'd pass the link along in case it could be an encouragement to you as well. Hugs from one mama to another <3


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